Good lord, one would think, one
would, with “Gulf of America,” it would be
far, far beyond obvious this next proclamation
would be the beginning of a dystopian MAGA
monarchy, right? If King Trump - excuse me,
His Exalted Stable Genius of the Glorious
People’s Republic of Mar-a-Lago - decided
English was the official language, what could
be next on the list of delusional royal
decrees?
Official
Religion? Christianity,
but not the actual teachings of baby Jesus.
No, no, no - too much love and mercy in that.
This would be the “prosperity” gospel,
guns-and-God, performative prayer kind of
Christianity. You know, pimpin’ ain’t easy.
Perhaps a national holiday for televangelists?
Daddy Grace, Reverend Ike, and Tammy Faye
Baker missed it. Consider mandatory pledges to
a golden statue of our Dear Leader? You bet.
Official
Food? Damn
near raw Porterhouse steak, slathered in
ketchup, naturally. The USDA would reclassify
vegetables as “un-American” unless they’re
deep-fried and served at a state fair. Deep
fried turnips.
Official
Measurement System? The
Trump Imperial System - because the metric
system is woke. Forget inches and feet; now we
measure everything in “perfect” and
“tremendous.”
Official
History? Revised,
of course. The Civil War was just a
misunderstanding, slavery was a “job training”
program, those boys n’ gals volunteered to
pick cotton, for eternity, and Frederick
Douglass is still “doing an amazing job.”
Textbooks will now be written by Tucker
Carlson and illustrated by Malania Trump.
Official
Clothing? Red
hats and oversized suits with extra-long ties.
All other colors, banned. Anyone caught
wearing rainbow anything? Immediate
deportation to San Francisco, where they will
undergo reprogramming.
Official
Currency? The
Trump Dollar, backed by… well, not a damn
thing, but it has a picture of his face on it,
so it must be valuable. Inflation? FAKE NEWS!
Wooden Nickels, really. $3 dollar bills and
checks that bounce, to the moon.
Official
Animal? The
bald eagle? Please. The official animal is now
the golden retriever or a taxidermied white
elephant - the perfect representation of the
GOP. Perhaps the abominable snowman, he’s
white, right?
Official
Entertainment? State-sponsored
reality TV. “The Apprentice: Supreme Court
Edition” where justices must compete in
challenges like “Who Can Justify Corporate
Personhood the Best?” or “Which Judge Can Read
the Bible the Loudest?”
Official
Form of Transportation? Golf
carts and private jets. All public transit is
deemed “dirty,” socialist and banned
immediately. You’ll take a private car, or
you’ll walk like a peasant.
Official
Social Media? Truth
Social, X, obviously. Any citizen caught using
Facebook, Bluskyy or anything connected to
George Soros will be deplatformed - from life.
Official
Workout? Golf
and rage-tweeting. Anything else is communist
propaganda designed to make men soft.
Official
Border Policy? The
wall. Bigger. Taller. With lasers and a
gator-infested moat. And it’s not just on the
southern border anymore - why stop there? MAGA
will build walls around blue states too, just
to keep them in check.
Official
Science? Whatever
Trump’s gut says at any given moment. Climate
change? “A hoax.” Vaccines? “Whatever gets the
base riled up today.” Evolution? “Fake. My
ancestors were winners.”
Official
Race? White.
But not just any kind of white - approved
white. You see, whiteness in King Trump’s
America won’t just be about skin tone. No, no,
no. You’ll need the right whiteness - blonde,
patriotic, and Fox News-certified. Italian?
Questionable. Greek? Borderline. Slavic?
Proceed with caution. Black? Latinx?
Indigenous? Asian? Deportation. Or
re-education. Or both. If you can’t recite the
Pledge of Allegiance while holding an AR-15,
you’re not the “right kind” of American.
Official
Gender? Male.
3 testicles. But not just any male - alpha
male. Women? Know your place. Barefoot,
pregnant, and preferably speak only when
spoken to….. LGBTQ+? LOL. That acronym is
officially banned. Back in the attic or
closet! If you’re not straight, white, and
aggressively masculine, you’ll be “gently
encouraged” (read: forced) to attend Patriot
Conversion Camps where you’ll be taught the
virtues of heterosexuality, traditional
marriage, and why crying makes you a commie
pinko-bastard.
Official
Class? Rich.
If you don’t own multiple properties and a
trust fund, congratulations - you’re now
second-class, a mere step above riff-raff. If
you’re struggling with rent, healthcare,
credit score below 849, or (gasp) student
loans? That’s your problem. Government
assistance? HA! That’s been rebranded as
handouts for the weak. Work harder, peasant.
Middle class? A myth. Either
you’re wealthy, or you’re failing. Looser!
That’s the new American Dream.
Poor? Treasonous. Poverty is
now a crime. Homeless? Straight to work camps,
where you’ll be put to “good use” building -
what else? - more statues of The Dear Leader.
Or perhaps shipped over to help construct the
Gaza Riviera.
Official
Media? State-run
propaganda, but make it entertaining. Tucker
Carlson? Chief Minister of Truth. Ben Shapiro?
Secretary of Mansplaining. Anything remotely
critical of King Trump is now classified as
treason and punishable by immediate exile to
“Woke Island” (formerly known as Hawaii).
Books? Banned unless personally
approved by the Ministry of MAGA Morality.
That means no “To Kill a Mockingbird,” no
“1984” (too on the nose), and certainly no
history books that discuss things like
slavery, Jim Crow, or actual democracy.
Official Crime &
Punishment?
● Voter fraud? Death penalty.
(Unless you’re voting Republican, then it’s a
“clerical error.”)
● Talking back to a cop? 25 years
minimum.
● Possessing
a banned book? Mandatory viewing of 12
hours of Sean Hannity.
● Disagreeing with a Trump policy
in public? Immediate internment in a patriot
education facility.
● Whining about free speech? No
one cares, you snowflakes and coco puffs.
Official
Military? Compulsory
service - but only for the lower classes. If
you’re rich, you can pay your way out with the
American Patriot Exemption Fee. Everyone else?
Report for duty. We’re invading Canada to have
universal healthcare, and you’re going to like
it.
Official
Art & Culture? All
statues must be of Trump, Jesus, or Ronald
Reagan. Theaters? No more woke films - only
approved historical dramas where white men
save the day and women cry beautifully in the
background, a Black guy is mystical, but dies
in the first 7 minutes.
Music? Country and gospel,
unless Kid Rock or Ted Nugent releases a new
album, in which case that becomes the National
Anthem for a week. Rap, Gangster Rap, Hip-hop,
R&B, reggaeton? Illegal. Punishable by
prison time.
Don’t like it? Too bad. The
Ministry of MAGA Enforcement is watching.
And there you have it. A
country transformed into a gold-plated,
rage-filled theme park of nationalist
delusion. Welcome to the United States of MAGA
- i.e., White people’s Land, where history is
rewritten, critical thinking is outlawed, and
everything is made in China but labeled Made
in Trumpinstan.
One nation under MAGA: White,
Christian, and stripped of all rights.
Oh
yeah, the official language of the US of A -
“American” - as defined by the MAGA gospel:
A
beautiful, tremendous, very official language,
folks! Not like those weak, low-energy
languages from other places. No, no! This is
REAL AMERICAN, the best words, the biggest
words! Nobody speaks American better than
Americans - except maybe me. It’s strong, it’s
patriotic, and, folks, let’s be honest, if you
don’t speak it, well… maybe you shouldn’t be
here! Sad! But it’s true!
