Let’s be real, let’s be brutally blunt, but for a fleeting
moment - if we’re honestly able to, as a
fractured and disjoined, decadent empire. We,
the multi-racial, multi-cultural people of all
economic standings, religious beliefs,
genders, and every identity in-between, do
agree on one thing: a
house divided cannot stand. Some might argue this land is about as split as it was in
old Abe’s 1861.
America is as divided as a high school cafeteria at
lunchtime - cliques and all. As divided as a
pair of socks after laundry day.
Since there’s no real question about the fact we are a
divided house, let’s make it clear where the
chasm lies between the two opposing sides, as
they death glare-stare each question in the
face, completely unable to agree on anything
but how much they hate each other. Here we go,
from Jump Street:
1. Columbus: Heroic Explorer or Plundering Pirate?
● MAGA Folks: Columbus is a hero - the bold explorer who “discovered” the New World
and made America great. No, he didn’t cause
mass genocide. He just brought European
civilization to the bloodthirsty savages.
Celebrate his courage and accomplishments.
● Liberals/Progressives: Columbus was a plundering pirate who set off centuries of imperialism, genocide, and the destruction of indigenous cultures. Maybe we should focus less
on his “discovery” and more on the millions of
lives wiped out in his wake. Let’s rethink the
holiday.
2. George Custer: The Brave Soldier or the arrogant Fool
Who Walked Into an Inevitable Massacre?
● MAGA Folks: Custer was a brave soldier - the 7th Cavalry general who fought for the
American frontier, standing firm against the
savage tribes who didn’t want to accept their
fate - to become civilized, or be killed.
● Liberals/Progressives: Custer was a reckless fool, walking into a massacre at the hands of indigenous
people defending their land. He’s not a hero -
he’s a symbol of American cutthroat
expansionism, arrogance and colonialism.
3. Crazy Horse: Indigenous Freedom Fighter or Terrorist?
● MAGA Folks: Crazy Horse was a terrorist, a man who attacked the U.S. Army just because they were
trying to bring “civilization” to the wild
West.
● Liberals/Progressives: Crazy Horse was an indigenous freedom fighter, defending his people’s land and standing against the
U.S. government’s bloody imperialism. He
fought to preserve his way of life; what’s so
wrong with that?
4. George Floyd: A Martyr for Justice or a Criminal Who
Got What He Deserved?
● MAGA Folks: George Floyd was a criminal with a record, resisting arrest. Don’t forget, he
was on drugs! The police were just doing their
job. Chauvin is a, dig this, political
prisoner/hero.
● Liberals/Progressives: George Floyd is a martyr for justice - his death at the hands of Derek Chauvin is the
embodiment of systemic racism in America. This
isn’t just about one bad cop - it’s about an
inherently crooked system, rooted in slavery,
Black Codes and Jim Crow, that needs to be
torn down and rebuilt.
5. Derek Chauvin: A Cold-Blooded Murderer or a Law-Abiding
Officer Just Doing His Job?
● MAGA Folks: Derek Chauvin was just an officer doing what he’s trained to do in a difficult
situation. Don’t demonize him just because a
bunch of angry protestors were watching.
● Liberals/Progressives: Derek Chauvin is a cold-blooded murderer who killed George Floyd in broad daylight. He wasn’t “doing his job” - he was executing a racist
act of violence that had been normalized in
American policing.
6. The Founding Fathers: Visionary Patriots or Wealthy
Slave Owners?
● MAGA Folks: The Founding Fathers were visionary patriots who built America from the ground up with blood, sweat, and freedom. Yeah, they might’ve had slaves, but that’s not the
point. They set the foundation for liberty.
● Liberals/Progressives: The Founding Fathers were wealthy slave owners who fought for freedom for themselves while denying
it to millions. They weren’t flawless heroes -
their system was deeply flawed and inherently racist.
7. The American Dream: The Pursuit of Equality or a Myth
for the Privileged?
● MAGA Folks: The American Dream is alive and well! Just work hard, and you can make it. There’s no such
thing as systemic racism - it’s about personal
responsibility.
● Liberals/Progressives: The American Dream is a myth for the privileged, a fairy tale sold to the masses while the system rigged
against them. The rich get richer, and everyone else is screwed.
8. The Civil War: A Fight for Union or a Fight to Preserve
White Supremacy?
● MAGA Folks: The Civil War was about preserving the Union and stopping the Southern states from being
rebellious. Slavery wasn’t the main issue -
states’ rights were.
● Liberals/Progressives: The Civil War was fought to preserve white supremacy, with the South desperate to keep slavery alive so they
could maintain their economy built on human suffering. Don’t try to make it about “states’ rights” when it is
about owning people.
9. The Civil Rights Movement: The Triumph of Justice or
the Undoing of a Perfectly Fine System?
● MAGA Folks: The Civil Rights Movement was a divisive force that undermined the hard work of the White man.
Segregation, separate and unholly unequal was
just fine - this was about creating chaos, not
equality.
● Liberals/Progressives: The Civil Rights Movement was a glorious fight for justice and equality. It exposed America’s
deep-seated racism and forced the country to
face the ugly truth about systemic inequality.
10. The Military: Defenders of Freedom or Agents of
Imperialism?
● MAGA Folks: The military is the backbone of America, protecting freedom abroad and keeping America great.
They are heroes who defend our country and keep us safe.
● Liberals/Progressives: The U.S. military is just a tool of imperialism, enforcing a global empire that gets involved in wars for
profit, power, and oil. Heroic? More like
mercenaries for the rich.
11. Slavery Reparations: A Necessary Step Toward Justice
or a Handout for People Who Didn’t Earn It?
● MAGA Folks: Reparations are just another handout for people who’ve done nothing to earn it. Everyone
should pull themselves up by their bootstraps.
Stop with the victimhood mentality.
● Liberals/Progressives: Reparations are a necessary step toward justice, acknowledging the centuries of slavery, extreme
exploitation, and overt systemic racism that
have led to the generational poverty of Black
Americans. It’s about righting wrongs, not creating “handouts.”
12. The Police: Protectors of the Public or an Occupying
Force?
● MAGA Folks: The police are heroes who keep our cities safe. They deal with the worst
of the worst and protect us from the
criminals. It’s a thankless job, but they do it for us.
● Liberals/Progressives: The police are an occupying force, disproportionately targeting Black and Brown
communities, and enforcing a system of racial oppression. They’re not protecting the public - they’re controlling
the marginalized. “Serving and Protecting”
wealthy white folks from the unwashed masses.
13. The American Flag: A Symbol of Freedom for All or a
Shroud for Injustice?
● MAGA Folks: The American flag represents freedom, patriotism, and the great American Dream. It’s a symbol of pride and what this country stands for.
● Liberals/Progressives: The American flag is a shroud for injustice, a symbol that covers up centuries of oppression,
genocide, and systemic racism. It has flown
over plantations, reservations and internment
camps. It stands for freedom, but only for some.
14. The Pledge of Allegiance: A Call for Unity or
Hypocrisy?
● MAGA Folks: The Pledge is a sacred vow to our great country and its principles. We’re united under the flag of freedom and liberty.
● Liberals/Progressives: The Pledge is little more than hypocrisy when liberty, equality, inclusion and justice
clearly do not apply to everyone. It’s a nice
notion, all high n’ mighty, but the country it
represents is anything but united or just.
15. The Border Wall: A Necessary Barrier or a Monument to
Xenophobia?
● MAGA Folks: The border wall is necessary to protect America from
illegals, criminals, and drugs. It’s about securing our borders and keeping “Real” Americans safe.
● Liberals/Progressives: The border wall is a monument to extreme xenophobia, a symbol of exclusion and hate, designed to separate families and criminalize immigrants
looking for a better life.
16. The United States Government: A Beacon of Democracy or
a Corrupt Oligarchy?
● MAGA Folks: The U.S. government is a beacon of democracy, defending freedom around the world and providing
prosperity to its people. What’s the problem?
● Liberals/Progressives: The U.S. government is a corrupt oligarchy, run by the 1% who rig the system to keep the rest of us down. Democracy? More like plutocracy.
17. Capitalism: A Path to Prosperity or a System of
Exploitation?
● MAGA Folks: Capitalism is the greatest economic system in the
world! It rewards hard work and creates opportunities for
everyone to succeed. Everyone has a shot if
they just pull themselves up by their
bootstraps, and work hard enough.
Liberals/Progressives: Capitalism is a ruthless system that exploits the working class for the benefit of
the rich. It’s an economic game rigged against
everyone except the 1%.
Unquestionably, we are divided people, from
Plymouth Rock to January 6th, we just don’t seem to see it
the same. We beg to differ with one another,
to put it mildly, to lie and bullshit you.
The Choices We Face
What do White folks want America to be? That’s the
million-dollar question we have to answer if
we’re ever going to fix this country’s dirty
laundry list of ills and woes. Right here and
now, America is like a dysfunctional “shotgun”
marriage, forced and contrived, where no one’s
happy, but no one’s willing to get a divorce.
The sad reality is, unless we address these
simple yet complex issues head-on, the house
we’ve built is going to crumble under its own
weight.
So what are the real choices before us, America? We’ve got
two paths to walk, and the clock’s ticking.
Option 1: We go back to a system of separate but equal, the nostalgic days of 1965, where everything had its
place - until the walls broke down, and the
system was exposed as a fraud.
Option 2: We turn the clock back to Jim Crow, to a time when Black folks couldn’t serve on juries,
couldn’t arrest White folks, and could only
serve their own. Segregated cemeteries and
campgrounds. This would be a glorious return
to a world where racial hierarchy rules.
Option 3: We could just skip ahead to slavery 2.0, where Blue states stay “free” and Red states implement
some new form of forced labor under the guise of maintaining social order.
Option 4: We could ship everyone back to their homeland and pretend like the problem of
inequality will go away - poof, just like
that.
Option 5: And then, there’s always the final solution: just eliminate the problem completely with Hitler style
genocide, wiping out the populations that don’t conform to the
new, “perfect” America.
Unite, or stay divided and almost guarantee our mutual destruction. The
choice is ours. It’s time to either confront
this country’s demons or allow them to destroy
what remains of this so-called “house.”
On a lighter note: America is as divided as
a couple’s bank account after one buys a new
car and the other buys a latte.
