It’s
time for your annual GRIP [Geriatric
Retrospective Intertranstemporal Psychosis]
test. GRIP is an affliction common to aging
megaloblabbopaths in which they don’t remember
what they said on a given subject in the distant
or even the more recent past. Psychologists
classify the disease into three forms:
Long-term, Short-term, and Lizard. In this last
and most virulent form, the sufferer does not
try to remember anything, but simply asserts
(and apparently believes) that his position
today is the position he has always taken.
If
you don’t remember taking this test last year,
don’t be alarmed. As someone nearly four years
older than you, I can assure you that loss of
grip is common in our cohort. Apparently it only
gets worse. Stay calm. But keep your eye on J.D.
Select
the statement in each set that you think might
likely resemble your position at the time:
Who
paused those arms shipments to Ukraine?
A.
“I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?”
B.
“I haven’t thought about it.”
C.
“I would be the first to know [if that had
happened].”
D.
“I would probably give the order [if it were
going to happen].”
What
is your actual position on Medicaid cuts?
A.
In the 2015 campaign, you said you
would
“save Medicaid without cuts.”
B.
On 4 May 2025, you said you would
veto
the bill if it includes cuts to
Medicaid.”
C. On 21 May 2025, you warned
Republicans
“not to fuck around with
Medicaid.”
D.
On 3 July 2025: you signed a budget
bill
cutting $930,000,000,000 from
Medicaid.
Tariffs?
Extensions?
A.
On 2 April, you imposed tariffs, then postponed
them to 9 July with “No extensions.”
B.
On 29 June, you said, “I don’t think I’ll need
to extend the cutoff. I could, no big deal.”
C.
On 8 July you postponed tariff deadline to 1
August, with “No extensions.”
D.
On 9 July you said “Tariffs will start 1 August.
There has been no change to this date."
Your
position on releasing the Epstein files is:
A.
“I will probably declassify the Epstein files if
elected.”
B.
“There are a lot of names associated with
Epstein. That might destroy people.”
C.
"Are you still talking about Jeffrey Epstein?
This creep? That is unbelievable."
D.
“Jeffrey Epstein definitely committed suicide.”
The
GRIP analysis will be performed by a new AI
service, called “Gork” or something.
This
commentary is also posted on
LAProgressive
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