Here’s
a new version of the Ten Commandments
for MAGA America - etched not in stone, but
on the back of a Cracker Barrel menu, right
next to the Yankee Pot Roast…
These commandments shall be engraved not in stone, but in tax
loopholes, suburban zoning codes, and vague
threats about “traditional values.” Break
them, and ye shall be canceled - by your HOA, your church group,
or Stephen Miller’s Department of Thought
Purity.
I.
“I am thy gilded Redeemer - Supreme King Trumpius
Maximus -
He Who dragged thee from the dank D.C. swamp
to the glitzy buffet line at Mar-a-Lago. I
alone dispense trickle-down tax blessings and
midnight tweet tantrums. Thou shalt carve no
idols save the holy trifecta of Dead
Presidents (the paper kind, not the rotting
ones), Premium-Grade Whiteness, and
sepia-toned reruns of the Fabulous 1950s. Cash
is God, the God is cash - so quit whining and
tithe to the coiffure.
Renounce democracy, microscopes, and any fact that refuses
to kiss the ring. MAGA is now your cathedral,
each rally the ecstatic Sunday revival. Kneel
not before science, empathy, or that messy
thing called multi-ethnic democracy. Prostrate
thyself instead before the sanctified trinity
of Guns, Grievance, and Gaslighting - amen and
pass the ammo.”
II. “Thou shalt fashion no ‘woke’ idols - be they Harriet
Tubman on the twenty, melanin-enhanced Santas,
or glitter-heeled librarians corrupting
toddlers with empathy. Approved icons must be:
(a) incandescently Caucasian, (b) dressed
head-to-boot in tactical hardware, and (c)
ideally pre-punched on someone’s war-crimes
bingo card.
Let it be written: any child who absorbs kindness from a
bedtime tale voiced by a LA drag queen is
obviously practicing sorcery and must be
deprogrammed with cable news. Therefore, deck
thy halls with holier décor: one crucifix, one
crossbow, one AR-15 (safety off for extra
piety), and a sepia-toned portrait of Trump
gazing into the Constitution like it’s IKEA
instructions - upside down, in total darkness.
Blessed be the blackout curtains of
ignorance.”
III.”Thou shalt not mouth the Hallowed Syllables of TRUMP
- save to praise His levitating, anti-gravity
pompadour, His delicate toddler-hands, or
those gallant bone spurs that bravely stormed
Pebble Beach instead of Vietnam.
Mock nor defile not the Sacred Consecrated Orange
Luminescence. Lo, the MAGA Monarch is a
vengeful overlord, eager to smite any heretic
who wields more than a toddler’s lexicon, and
surpasseth a two-paragraph attention span -
or, heaven forbid, pronounceth ‘nuclear’
without tripping over the consonants.
IV. Remember the Sabbath day and use it for NASCAR and
screaming about the decline of “American
Exceptionalism” because someone said “Gulf of
Mexico” at WalMart. Use it as time to demonize
immigrants, binge-watch Newsmax, and
double-check your gun safe.
Rest is for the weak,
reflection for the mousey meek. Hell, Sunday
is for grilling red meat, bitchin’ about
“urban crime,” and denying climate change
from the comfort of your air-conditioned RV. Keep it holy - holy angry, holy
loud, and holy armed.
V.
“Revere thy Ma and Pa’’ - unless they
cast a ballot for Biden, sang “We shall
overcome” with Obama, swore allegiance to
masks, vaccines, voting rights, melting ice
caps, or whispered sweet
nothings about
‘systemic racism.’ Should such blasphemy be
detected, slap a ‘groomer’ label on them, flee
to the Lone Star Kingdom, and erase their
names from the inheritance faster than you can
say ‘CRT.’
If Grandpa ever locked arms with Dr. King or Grandma
worships at the Church of MSNBC, sever ties at
once. Blood may be crimson and famously
thicker than water - but should it curdle into
woke-ish blue, treat it like expired oat milk:
dump it, disinfect the fridge, and never look
back.”
VI.
“Thou shalt not kill - well, not technically.
Exemptions include: Stand-Your-Ground
quick-draws, police cosplay with unlimited
ammo, joystick drone smiting, starving kids by
nixing their free lunches, and letting poor
folks ration insulin until eternity sorts it
out.
See, homicide
only counts when the trigger-puller isn’t
sporting a badge, a lapel flag, or a crimson
MAGA halo. Killing is evil - unless it’s
NRA-sponsored, hashtagged ‘self-defense,’ or
live streamed by a ‘hero’ in tactical blue.
Then it’s just another patriotic fireworks
show.”
VII.
“Thou shalt keep thy loins locked - unless thou
art a flag-pin politician, televangelist in
Gucci loafers, or disgraced reality-show
monarch traveling with a concierge lawyer and
pre-signed NDAs.”
Approved extracurriculars include: donor-suite
calisthenics, ‘Bible study’ with underage
interns, communion with contract-muzzled porn
stars, and any clandestine coupling that comes
with a matching hush-money check. All
transgressions are instantly absolved provided
you wrap them in the Hallmark glow of ‘family
values’ - extra credit if there’s a campaign
camera rolling.
Should TMZ spoil the party, fret not. Step to the
microphone, sob about having “fallen short,”
announce that Jesus stamped paid in full on
your invoice, and accuse the Deep State of
planting both the temptress and the lipstick
on your collar. Remember: adultery only counts
as a sin when there’s a (D) next to the
sinner’s name.”
VIII.“Thou
shalt keep thy sticky fingers holstered - unless you’re
swiping elections, Indigenous homelands, Black
creativity, reproductive autonomy,
blue-district mail-in ballots, or credit for
civil-rights wins you once filibustered.”
Never lose sight of: larceny becomes ‘liberty’ when
wrapped in Old Glory, footnoted with a
cherry-picked Bible verse, and underwritten by
a billionaire super-patriot. Cultural
shoplifting? That’s not theft; that’s
‘American exceptionalism.’ Just slap a
star-spangled label on the loot and call it
“manifest destiny,” deluxe edition.
IX. “Thou shalt not bear false witness - unless thou art
clocked in for prime-time FOX News outrage,
sermonizing to pews full of AM-radio
disciples, or Tweet-splaining that global
warming is just the sun doing CrossFit and
slavery was an unpaid internship with room,
board, and whips.
Remember: fabrication is perfectly legal when rebranded as
‘just raising concerns,’ ‘defending freedom,’
or ‘serving brutal truth in extra-crispy MAGA
flavor.’ Belt it out with the conviction of a
televangelist on a Red Bull IV - preferably
while swaddled in a flag-print onesie or
shirtless on TikTok, flexing beside your
diesel-snorting pickup that runs on conspiracy
fumes and bald-eagle tears.”
X.
“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s rights -
unless that
neighbor is queer, trans, Black, Muslim,
college-educated, or union-card-carrying. Also
feel free to crave their curls, crib their
slang, swipe their recipes, jack their beats,
and harvest their ballots - just don’t forget
to lecture them on gratitude afterward.
Appropriate the culture, white-out the struggle, and
rebrand it ‘unity.’ Then torpedo their
textbooks, outlaw their literature, and toast
the bonfire with a red-white-and-blue lighter.
Voilà - oppression recast as ‘freedom,’ served
hot with a side of stolen seasoning.
And a Bonus Eleventh Commandment (because MAGA doesn't
follow the rules anyway):
XI. Thou shalt always punch down.
Mock the poor. Blame the immigrants. Fear the Black
intellect. Erase the Indigenous. Demonize the
gay. Distrust the woman. Always, always look
down - never within.
Final
Blessing: Go forth and multiply your outrage. Spread the gospel of
grievance. Baptize your babies in bootstraps
and Bud Light (pre-woke). And above all, never,
ever let empathy infect your ideology.
O’blessed are the armed, for they shall rewrite the
Constitution in crayon. Blessed are the
undereducated, for they shall never question
what “critical race theory” or “socialism”
actually is.
Always remember, in the beginning was the Word… and the
Word was “Fake News.”
